2015 July 3 49th Anniversary 1st Without Him

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 Our 48th Anniversary, July 3, 2014, the last one we would share,  a ride through the beautiful Columbia Gorge and lunch at Multnomah Falls,  We did not know for sure this would be the last one, but were beginning to suspect it could be.

49th Anniversary

48 Anniversaries, we celebrated every one
beach trips, mountains, dinners
all of it so much fun,

But for the first time you are not here

How can I celebrate without

you dear?There is no answer

For you are not here

On this anniversary,
to the cemetery I will go,
to place a vase full of flowers
on your grave just so

among the myriads of flags
for those who served .

You are there among them, it's true

just one of thousands;
 but my eyes and my heart
 see only you.

Instead of a trip to the beach

 with just we two,

I will go with our dear children who

Have been so caring of me,

but we will be missing you the whole day through

How can I survive this day?  I don't know.

I've survived other bad days it's true.
 By the grace of God, I believe somehow,

He will get me through this one too.

My love is gone, my mind tells me this,

the multitude of changes,

 The silence, the emptiness,

after being one with you nearly 49

years, tells me so.

 My heart though, resists.

"This can't be all, its only a bad dream

You'll wake up soon

and he will be right here".

The books call it denial,

say it's a protective device

to keep grief from overwhelming

one. To be concise,

 I am in a sort of

denial, although I have done all

that is expected of a widow. 

How I hate that word!

This aloneness anticipated  for 3 years

is worse than I could ever imagine.

Is more life changing than any of my fears

this loss of my dearest companion.

I was the Ivy, you were the Tree

supporting sheltering

loving me

Strong, wonderful, perfect for me

And tomorrow when we are by the sea

without you, I will remember

I was the Ivy, but You were the tree.

My Tree, fallen, cut up, cremated,

 I, the Ivy, torn away, bruised,

 deprived, decimated

slowly learning this uprooting

I will survive,

I was the Ivy but you were the Tree

in the dear distant past you supported me.

Our love is not dead

it is only on hold.

Our Father promises all things new.

His plan He will in time unfold.

That includes me dear, and especially you.

Till death do us part?

 Only physically it seems, for you

live still  in the center of my heart.

                                 Flowers from my Sweetheart on our last Mother's Day together, 2014.